Duck & Cover

Brian Croucher was born on February 29, 1944, in the Bethnal Green tube station. After an ordinary childhood involving all the usual itchy uniforms and broken things, he became a printer's apprentice, where, after stumbling on an incriminating handwritten logbook marked "Private", he was recruited by a top-secret organisation which might or might not be related to MI5. As a London-based agent in the 1960s, he cut a sharp yet discreet figure around town, often frequenting smokey underground nightclubs listening to Ray Davies, beating up David Hemmings, and modelling swimwear. For ten weeks in 1964, he fronted a mod R&B band called "The Switchers", and they were crap -- but well-dressed.

May 2003

Sometime shortly after this period, he trained at LAMBDA, where he learned costuming, fighting, and how to develop microfilm. From there, he spent years infiltrating British television companies on both long and short-term missions, even going so far as to dispose of actor Stephen Greif and covertly take his place on one BBC programme in order to shut down a drug-smuggling operation based at Television Centre.

May 2003

Tiring of the demands of living two lives and the hectic pace of London (which, while not quite the city that never sleeps, is certainly the city that only sleeps a couple of hours a night, sometimes with a short nap later in the day), Croucher resigned his commission in the mid-1980s and went behind the Iron Curtain, where he worked as a cabaret dancer in Budapest for several years. Here, he used the skills he had gained as a performer in London, including the rare ability to look masculine in sequins, to great effect, except on Tuesdays when he performed in drag. He returned to the UK in 1991.

May 2003

His current whereabouts are unknown, but he has been spotted, up to his old tricks again, on a number of television programmes over the past few years, so it's safe to assume that there has been some sort of reconciliation with his former employers. While he used to haunt an art deco power station commanding hordes of henchmen in khaki jumpsuits, it's presumed that he has now fled London with his family and a small cat named Stompy, to take up residence in the wild jungles of southern England. It should be pointed out that there's no corroborating evidence on the allegation involving the knife fight whatsoever, and only the most circumstantial of proof to support the art school rumor.

Some of this is, of course, untrue.

Copyright © 2003 Red Star Robot
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